Today
was one of the worst day of my life. When I was on TOPAX was a horrible
experience. That's when I was dubbed the RED QUEEN from Alice in
Wonderland. I was constantly angry. We switched Lamictal, I am not full of
rage, but I am angry. And instead of being anywhere near rational in an
argument, I lash out and say very mean hurtful things. John said that I
had said something so terrible it was almost unforgivable.
Apparently,
today was the second time that I have done this in 2 months. Apparently -
unforgivable. I say "apparently" because the first one I don't even remember. Could it be the drugs?
So, here I go a second time. And I don't blame him for every forgiving me
for this one. And, supposedly I only remember a part of the
conversation. What is wrong with me?
So,
this RAGE,
(I was told during an "INTERVENTION" which I should have written
about earlier, has not subsided. A call to the Doctor. On vacation. The
doc was amazed on what I was on and it wasn't working. He prescribed a
temporary drug to calm me down until my other doctor gets back. But, it
won't help with depression.
There
is this weird thing going on in David. I cut my arms, which I haven't done
as a teenager - more deep scratches than cuts. He won't say anything. I
feel like I am back home, when the worst problems are treated calmly. John
is treating me calmly.
I
feel I am no longer Lynn, and today was the first time I REALLY wanted to
end my life since I was 18. I feel like Lynn is gone. I am no longer me.
Where did I go? Where did the confidence, spunk, fight, originality - all
of that and more go? I've never felt like this ever before.
The
best thing that happened today was that I found rosemary and lemon mint
growing in the back yard!
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