August 12, 2002 - 7:13 p.m.

I had a fight with John today


Today was one of the worst day of my life. When I was on TOPAX was a horrible experience. That's when I was dubbed the RED QUEEN from Alice in Wonderland. I was constantly angry. We switched Lamictal, I am not full of rage, but I am angry. And instead of being anywhere near rational in an argument, I lash out and say very mean hurtful things. John said that I had said something so terrible it was almost unforgivable. 

Apparently, today was the second time that I have done this in 2 months. Apparently - unforgivable. I say "apparently" because the first one I don't even remember. Could it be the drugs? So, here I go a second time. And I don't blame him for every forgiving me for this one.  And, supposedly I only remember a part of the conversation. What is wrong with me?

So, this RAGE, (I was told during an "INTERVENTION" which I should have written about earlier, has not subsided. A call to the Doctor. On vacation. The doc was amazed on what I was on and it wasn't working. He prescribed a temporary drug to calm me down until my other doctor gets back. But, it won't help with depression.

There  is this weird thing going on in David. I cut my arms, which I haven't done as a teenager - more deep scratches than cuts. He won't say anything. I feel like I am back home, when the worst problems are treated calmly. John is treating me calmly.

I feel I am no longer Lynn, and today was the first time I REALLY wanted to end my life since I was 18. I feel like Lynn is gone. I am no longer me. Where did I go? Where did the confidence, spunk, fight, originality - all of that and more go? I've never felt like this ever before.

The best thing that happened today was that I found rosemary and lemon mint growing in the back yard!


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