August 19, 2002 - 6:17 a.m.

Malignant Mind


Misplaced, Malicious and Mad

John finally told me what I said to him. He kept asking me what I thought I said, which I told him. I thought he might be a little hurt, but didn't warrant the anger he had towards me. I am mortified. I would never say that to my worst enemy. [I won't elaborate because I promised John I would never tell anyone for the rest of my life.] He was humiliated. When he told me, I was shocked and disgusted with myself. I took a hooked Exacto knife and made cuts from my wrist to my shoulder. Over and over. There are criss-crosses everywhere. I just couldn't stop. This didn't make sense. John said he had to decide whether or not we would stay together. So, the first half of the day was tortuous. Finally, he said that he just loved me too much. This is going to take a long time to repair. Just saying "I don't remember" is not justification for the pain I caused him. 

I filled up the bathtub, opened a bottle of wine and took out my razor blade. John just happened to call in the nick of time. I was going to do it. I have never come so close to committing suicide since I was 18 (I'm now 36).

I am getting scared because I am losing parts of my memory. David says it's the drinking. But, I got lost on my own street and I hadn't been drinking. MY OWN STREET. I called in the wrong prescription that David insists he had given me the correct instructions. I don't doubt him.

At first, we all thought I would be scarred for life. But, now I realize that the cuts weren't that deep - even though they felt so at the time. Mechanica was right. She told me not to start because it is like an addiction. She is right. I think about it now when the pain is too much.

Yesterday gave me an idea of what it will be like for the next year. I will probably only see David for dinner and at bedtime. I will see John once during the week and then during the weekends. Linton called wondering when I would be in New Orleans next.

I am so alone. How do you make friends when you work at home? I cried myself to sleep.


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