May 13, 2002 - 11:07 a.m.

Better Living Through Chemistry

Survival of the Chemists and Their Users & Abusers!

In a REAL evolutionary world of "survival of the fittest": dog-eat-dog and clown-eat-mime, my husband and lover believe that I am just too darn cute, witty and  smart to allow any man, woman or ape to allow me to die or suffer. That may be. But, with the DEFECTIVE asthmatic and insanity DNA coursing through my family tree, I would be LUCKY to get past the mimes (unless, of course, the SPACE ALIENS flew us off to a better WORLD).

When I worked at the Science Museum of Virginia, some local chemical company  passed out PROPAGANDA to children in the form of stickers that read:


I didn't really think about it at the time, but after my first ACID TRIP 3 years later, I began to believe it. What if I hadn't been put in that oxygen tank when I was 2-years-old? What if my brother and I hadn't been given all of those allergy shots, or his lung re-inflated. And anti-depressant medications have helped us both from committing SUICIDE. I vote on the side of TECHNOLOGICAL help over charm. CHARM hasn't helped either of us keep a full time job!

I just HATE those people who get a headache and when you offer them an aspirin they say, "No thanks, I hate to put DRUGS in my body." "Okay, you SUFFER for the rest of the day." I usually give them a look of DISDAIN and immediately check them off in the IDIOT category.

I don't want to SUFFER for one moment. If I think I may even possibly be considering a headache, I rush to that IBUPROFEN! My mother has in grown toenails. If you actually want to see how disgusting they are, CLICK HERE! The CAPTAIN OF THE TOES, (the big toe) NAIL grows very thick and grows,  TWISTING into your FLESH as far as it can. It has to be operated on frequently. Early in my childhood, I noticed that my Captains had minds of their own as well. At a very young age, I started clipping their edges almost down to their CUTICLES. This is not very ATTRACTIVE. But, this will show to what lengths I will go to to ease FUTURE sufferings.

I ponder these things as I take snort a CRYSTAL substance up my nose. Chemistry has kept me ALIVE, sane and HAPPY. If you don't believe in better living through chemistry, good luck with the headaches and mimes.




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