August 27, 2002 - 10:23 p.m.

My Ugly Brain


My Ugly Brain

What I have said to John will never be erased - ever from either of our minds. Maybe it will always be this way. Forever. I know he is hurt. I know it will take time. But, it seems that I don't hurt, too. Like I said, there is no excuse to justify what was said. But, it wasn't true. And after 9 or 10 years, shouldn't John trust that? Trust in the love we have developed? No one sees my point of view. I am not the injured party. I am hurt though. What is wrong with my mind? I promised no alcohol or drugs this week. When I talk with John, I crave them. I want to end this all - this pain for both of us.

We both have different ways of dealing with issues. I want to talk to them to death until an agreement or at least truce, or some love comes back. John doesn't want to talk about things at all. He just wants to give it time. He thinks if we don't bring it up (and I don't initiate things, as I read it), it will work things out in time. Perhaps it is my depression, but I never see us ever getting through this. It will always hover above us. I ruined everything. Maybe forever.

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