April 08, 2002 - 10:50 p.m.

Money Makes My Head Go 'Round


David, I hope you are wise enough not to read this right after our "discussion" about money. But, you have been forewarned about my diary entries. They are not going to be censored.

We had an agreement that whatever was mine that I sold on Ebay I could keep the money. I sold several items for very good money. Now, you inform me that those items are not mine, but ours. That is because we shared all of our finances equally ever since we moved in together. "So," I ask, "My Doc Martens are not mine, but ours?" Yes you say. "These pants I'm wearing? - even though you can't fit into them?" Yes. So, what is mine? So, when I sell the astro-turf costume I made with no help from you, the entire amount goes into our savings.

My items are objects I brought into our marriage from my childhood, or presents given to me. ???? Does this make sense? I guess my lingerie, dildos, and used wart pads are yours as well? Interesting.

Then, you hit me with another broken contract. I am given $100 a month allowance. (Can you believe this? We've always shared our money and now I'm like a housewife on some 50s sitcom getting an allowance!) The agreement was that I could spend that money any way I pleased. If I walked into the Body Shop and blew it all in one purchase - you couldn't say anything. You were not allowed to comment on how fast, how much, or how little I was spending it. It was for me - so you didn't have to buy me wine, or little trinkets, or special body products. Now, you inform me that the money was never really mine at all, but a part of the budget that I was to spend on OUR entertainment.

I need that money to feel empowered. I don't want to ask and plead every time I want to buy some eyeliner. I enjoyed treating you and John to the movies and then drinks. If you take this away from me, I will not only feel hurt but powerless.

I know that in the past year, you have gone money crazy every time your relatives visit. Maybe you are making comparisons between financial successes and career advances. I don't know. All I know is that when they leave, you freak out about money - and I take the brunt of it. You never used to be this way. We never fought over money. That was one of the vows I made when we met. You never broke your promises. John says you will be back to yourself in a couple of weeks.

Listen, I was willing to compromise earlier today. I know we have to save money. First, I asked (why am I asking instead of negotiating?!) if I could keep half. When you balked at that, I just asked for a token. There are emotional choices going into selling MY possessions. I do think it is time to purge before we move. But, I also want to us to have money so we can have fun. I cannot live like you expect - an ascetic. I'm sorry. No,  I'm not. That's who I am. And, I want you to know that it is difficult enough trying to get through this depression without you changing the rules on me.

I love you.

I hope it's a long time before one of your relatives visit again.


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