July 26, 2002 - 1:40 p.m.

I'm A Stepford Wife/Girlfriend


I am going to change myself

Okay, so I was upset today. It was a bad day - not a depressive nor NEUROTIC. Nothing was working - I couldn't find tools in the house we just moved into, I got into a fight with a friend, etc., etc. Regular people have days like this. Moving is STRESSFUL. You want to get as SETTLED you can so life can return to somewhat NORMAL. So, you don't have to ask where the SPATULA is.

Maybe being depressed EXAGGERATED my EMOTIONS. Maybe I FREAKED out a bit. I was upset, and YELLING at my condition. But, because I'm "SICK" it is perceived as being slightly OFF-KILTER. It's blamed on my DEPRESSION. I can be that STEPFORD WIFE, that ZOMBIE. If that what it takes. Everything I do is now perceived as SICK. My reactions are OVERANALYZED.

For God Sakes, I couldn't even serve dinner because I make a MESS. I've always made a mess. I have been a KLUTZ since age 0.

I feel like I should HIDE my EMOTIONS. I should become ZOMBIE, Stepford wife. After all, parts of the move was filmed in Norwalk, CT, my HOME TOWN. I will hide. I will be NORMAL. I wonder - I think - that this happens to every depressed person, or others with mental PROBLEMS. Your loved ones are under so much stress, that they start to take things PERSONALLY. I know it's hard for them. But, when you PRETEND, they get mad, when you don't pretend, they get mad. I'm going to try to be normal.

It will be easy when David goes to school. He won't have time to listen to my PROBLEMS. I don't see John too much anymore, so it is easy to pretend. Don't you think?



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