I
am going to change myself
Okay,
so I was upset today. It was a bad day - not a depressive nor NEUROTIC. Nothing was
working - I couldn't find tools in the house we
just moved into, I got into a fight with a friend, etc., etc.
Regular people have days like this. Moving is STRESSFUL.
You want to get as SETTLED you
can so life can return to somewhat NORMAL. So, you don't have to
ask where the SPATULA is.
Maybe
being depressed EXAGGERATED my EMOTIONS. Maybe I FREAKED out
a bit. I was upset, and YELLING at my condition. But, because I'm
"SICK" it is
perceived as being slightly OFF-KILTER.
It's blamed on my DEPRESSION. I can be that STEPFORD WIFE,
that ZOMBIE. If that what it
takes. Everything I do is now perceived as SICK.
My reactions are OVERANALYZED.
For
God Sakes, I couldn't even serve dinner because I make a MESS.
I've always made a mess. I have been a KLUTZ
since age 0.
I
feel like I should HIDE my EMOTIONS.
I should become ZOMBIE, Stepford wife. After
all, parts of the move was filmed in Norwalk, CT, my
HOME TOWN. I will hide. I will be NORMAL.
I wonder - I think - that this happens to every depressed person,
or others with mental PROBLEMS.
Your loved ones are under so much stress, that they start to take
things PERSONALLY. I know it's
hard for them. But, when you PRETEND,
they get mad, when you don't pretend, they get mad. I'm going to try to
be normal.
It
will be easy when David goes to school. He won't have time to
listen to my PROBLEMS. I don't
see John too much anymore, so it is easy to pretend. Don't you
think?
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