March 14, 2002 - 9:25 a.m.



The Virginity Bias

This is one of my pet peeves: the virginity bias. Even now, in the 21st century, young girls all over America are being told that it is a virtue  to save one's virginity. Whether or not you believe that, here is the problem: this is told to boys. You hear it from the pulpits, talk shows, movies and advice columns. When kids are told: "save yourself for marriage" and "sex is if you save it for the one you love" is directed 99.9% of the time to girls. Let's flip the script for a moment. Pretend there is a group of young boys (between 13 and 17) on a talk show. 

Host: Why are you having sex at such a young age?

Boy1: Because it's fun.

Host: Why are you REALLY having sex?

Boy2: I dunno. It feels good.

Host: Why is your self esteem so low that you feel you need to give yourself away to girls.

Boy1: There's nothing wrong with my self esteem. We're just having fun.

Father1: Boo hoo! Do you see? Do you see what I have to go through?

Host: Let's bring in our child psychiatrist, Dr. Doctor to explain what is going on. 

Dr. Doctor: You see, Host, in all of these situations, the mothers are not around. These young boys are trying to substitute the loss and stability if a missing mother with sex. Where are the mothers now?

Father2: She left a long time ago. She never contacts us, she never pays child support. Boo hoo!

Dr. Doctor: What these young lads need is to follow a strict abstinence program and a few months in boot camp.

Father1 (grabs son): I love you!

Bull shit! Our society perpetuates the "boys will be boys" myth. The origins of this bias probably has to do with pregnancies and the problems for the girl and her family. You can't always tell who the father is, but you always know who the mother is. Therefore, sex for girls was stigmatized. In a time when rights for women are almost equally men, why the disparity?

Men are afraid of women's sexuality. And, in turn, convey that the fear should be women's fear as well. Just imagine how a man might feel if his girlfriend had more sexual partners than he? Or more experiences? To men, this is emasculating. Yet, they want women to be sexy and alluring - perpetuating the Madonna/whore image women are supposed to straddle.

Here is my view. Now that pregnancies and STDs are preventable, if someone is mature enough to have safe sex (and deal with the consequences of its possible failures) and mature enough to deal with a relationship, have sex if you want. Here are my parameters:

  • have safe sex

  • get check ups

  • be honest about STDs

  • don't let someone talk you in or out of anything

  • if you are forced upon, it is not a date, it is rape. notify authorities

  • don't tell someone you love them if you don't

And that's it. Sex is a varied, like all shared experiences. It can be: fun, sad, fulfilling, regrettable, enjoyable, boring, etc. And with someone you love, it is a wickedly pleasurable time! Don't be pressured one way or another. Do what is right for you.



about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!