2001-12-20 - 10:33 p.m.

Okay, I haven't written in my diary for 2 days. I'm scared. Barry read part of "Mr. Weatherwill's Dilemma" and has given it exhuberant praise. "Brilliant" was a word he used. Which, is difficult to accept, even though I want to. He said that I owed it to myself to finish it. Which I would love to - see how the story plays out - what my characters do and say. B

ut, I'm afraid. What's the use? Who will read it? Being accepted and then rejected by one of the biggest Hollywood agencies is hard. People say: "Most people never even get that far. You should be proud." In the end, it's all the same. It's all rejection. What do I care if I "got that far"? It's all luck. And the people you know who are going to parties to people who may know people... it's out of your control. I can hardly control my characters. How can I control these nit wits? It's not about talent. If it is, you've hit the jackpot on the scratch off ticket.

So, what now? Do I create this characters in obscurity who will never be seen - as God has forgotten his creations? What's the point. The process becomes cruel to me to expand this emotional and creative energy to stories that will never be read. But, then, I yearn to know what happens to these people.

My back is aching from sitting too long. Fat is residing in places it never used to. I am young, it's the first time I've ever felt my body physically aging. I'm scared of my own mortality. I know I have a limited time to love who I love, to be who I am, to do what is right. Yet, this Depression cages me into a place I cannot escape. And, it's lonely here. I thought I was doing things right until David felt the same problems. Now, it's time for me to follow his desires, like he has followed mine.

Time is ticking. What do I do? How do I appropriate the rest of my life?

All I know, is that I am going to slip under the comforter with the man I have loved for 15 years. He will hold me all night long and whisper that he loves me - and mean it. How many people in the world have that comfort? So, I will now reside in the best part of my day when we pretend it is only us.

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!