March 12, 2002 - 8:48 a.m.

Life's Goals #1

I suppose that when your birthday comes around, you think back to your life's goals and assess them. Were they reasonable? Did you achieve them? If not, are they worth pursuing.

When I was a pre-teen, it became known to me that if you go to jail before the age of 18, those records would be expunged after your 18th birthday (unless you did something horrible like kill someone). Of course, I immediately wanted to go to jail. I had visited a jail when I was younger as a Girl Scout. It seemed like fun. You didn't have to make your bed in the morning (there was a cot and a blanket). Food was served to you. You could spend hours on end reading or drawing.

I knew my nature well enough that I wouldn't do anything too terrible. I was a good kid. The worst thing I ever did was knowingly spray Lysol into Lori Jean Hanlon's eyes. I pleaded ignorance of wind direction and velocity. (Hush up! It was an experiment!)

I never achieved this goal. I didn't have much follow-through back then. I was lazy and a procrastinator. If I could go back in time, I could definitely land my ass in the clinker. I didn't realize how much power children had over their parents back then. I could've milked it for all it was worth. "You are bad parents. You never give me what I want. I am deprived. That's WHY I had to shop lift those Gucci shoes."

Now, that I am older, I realize that jail wouldn't be much fun. Besides the big evil women who would make me their bitch, there are the guards who could rape you and jail wardens who would make you stamp license plates.

So, all in all, this is one goal I am glad I did not achieve.