2001-10-12 - 10:02 p.m.

I am exhausted by my medication program. I have a new psychiatrist who is monkeying around with my meds. Every psychiatrist has a different idea of what I should be on. How do I know that I chose the right one? It's a little scary when they are playing around with your life - your being. This doctor is taking me off one med slowly. How long can this go on?

Every day is a struggle. I don't have the right cocktail. In the mornings, I could be just as happy as I am sad. In one moment I am perfectly content, the next I could burst out crying, and then back to being happy. It is very confusing.

At lunch time I am drained. All I can think about is, "I wish someone could come over and fix me lunch." More meds. But this dosage is the one I cut back on and I'm having some withdrawal. I crash. Meaning, that all I can do is lay down and sleep. I can hardly move. Two hours later, I'm ready for my next meds and then I am usually fine for the evening.

I dread going through this day after day. My body and the medications are making decisions for me. I can't control it. I am trying to be good and not change the dosages the doc prescribed like I did last time. But, it is so hard not to be in control. At least if I take another pill to counteract the current one - I am making the decision.

I am tired of feeling like this. I am tired of doctors. I am tired of being depressed. Someone- fix this!