2001-12-05 - 10:19 p.m.

Life has been too painful to write. During the past couple of days, I could hardly move. I hate to write when depression has gripped me. So, I'm going to write about the weird sayings my mother used to say.

I know she's from England, but that's no excuse. For example, instead of "Oh, my God," she would say "God love a duck." Instead of "keep your chin up," she would say "keep your pecker up" - even when we were kids. "Whatever lifts your skirt" and "whatever drops your draws" were preferable to any boat analogy.

Probably the weirdest line was delivered when I was young and would make her instant coffee for her. Apparently, my skills at pouring the correct proportions of coffee, water and milk were not easily mastered at the age of 10. She would call out as I would begin the process, "Don't make it like panther pee."

Panther pee? Where on God's green earth did she get that one? Why not dog pee since we were more intimately familiar with that class of animal's urination. And why pee at all? I am confident that even my worst attempt at making instant coffee did not taste like panther pee.

Then again, it was instant coffee.