Incentives
for the Insane
Yesterday,
when John and I were lost while going to yard sales, we were
both extremely stressed. So much so that I took at least 4
clonazepam because I was making the situation worse whenever I interrupted
and suggested an alternative route. I pretty much sedated
myself.
John
left to either call David or get money. I don't remember. I
think I got money and he called David. At some point (maybe not
during the time I described) when he wasn't in the car I wrote
what I was going to put in my diary the next day. John noticed.
I asked him if he wanted to hear it then, or read it later in my
diary. He wanted to hear it then. This is what I wrote:
Sometimes
I want to take a knife and rip myself from stem to stern.
As my guts would fall out, maybe so would the pain.
Sometimes
I want to take a knife and pull back my flesh which burns
underneath, but never penetrates the surface. Maybe that's why I
cut myself that time or burned my hands with a cigarette.
Perhaps I hoped the pain would ooze out with the blood. But,
then the pain from the destruction heals and traps the pain back
inside.
Well,
John freaked. He didn't know about the cigarettes. We had an
argument because he was going to tell David - which I didn't
want him to do. I agreed that if the shoe were on the other
foot, I would do the same. I tried to explain to him what the
pain felt like. I was impetuous and shouldn't have told him. I
think another fight occurred that I should tell him these
things. I don't know. It was horrible when we got back home -
missing all of the yard sales because we couldn't find them.
Another
"intervention" took place. They came up with 6 things
I had to do:
-
Stop
talking about the depression. This comes from some
psycho-babble that you can talk yourself out of it and talk
yourself into someone happier.
-
Stop
drinking during the day - only on social occasions.
-
Cut
back on the clonazepam.
-
Don't
hurt myself.
-
Set
a schedule and stick with it.
-
Do
things I hate to do, like mopping or doing the dishes.
Now,
who do I talk to when the pain gets so bad? They were my life
preservers. My therapist won't even call me back. I am so alone.
That night I was so anxious when I woke up, I took a clonazepam
right away.
And
some of these things don't make any sense. When the pain gets
bad while I'm working on Ebay, I'll do crafts until the pain
subsides. Why do I need to do that? And why should I do things I
hate to do? It makes no sense.
We
talked about incentives which worked before. If I stick to my
deal, the first week I can buy this clock I want at Target.
Second week, the Chuck Taylor's with the flames. I feel so
childish asking for incentives. But, how do I keep myself from
surviving the pain without one? I remember even as a little
child I wanted to commit suicide. I would tell myself,
"Hold on until Xmas. Then you will get presents."
I
guess I will talk in this diary if I need the words to come out.
What else can I do?
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