April 05, 2002 - 6:47 p.m.



Lost and Hanging

My anxiety reached an all time high today. I spent several hours on the couch hidden under a blanket. In the mean time, my husband had to clean the entire apartment. I had promised all week that I would help. I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. He was annoyed - but pretended not to be. He said he wasn't talking because it was a big job and he was tired.

When he returned from seeing his father's girlfriend's son who is also in town, I was asleep. I was curled up with my dog. All I remember was him saying he was leaving to pick up his father at the airport. Would I join them for dinner?

The anxiety returned. There was no set time we would meet, no idea where we were going, etc., etc. I had to say no. It was too much. We had discussed me going to only the events I felt comfortable with, but it must not be true. He left without giving me a kiss. David hides his feelings well, but I knew I was creating complications. I made him return for that kiss.

If I AM tired of being like this, why shouldn't others? I used to be responsible and reliable. I would make the plans and everything would run smoothly. I used to be sociable. Now, I hide under a blanket. How long can someone else put up with this? It's been a year and a half. I am getting worse. I have been switched on and off so many meds, and nothing is working. The only substance that helps is cocaine. I am trying to figure out what I can sell on Ebay to get the money. I am so desperate. It hurts so bad.

I am lost and desperate. I understand why I would be abandoned. Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

I am so afraid.

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