March 12, 2002 - 8:46 a.m.

Self Medication Tip #1

If you are currently self-medicating because your psychiatrist is a twit, here is a simple tip that has helped me. If one of your medications of choice is cocaine, by the end of the week, your nose will be screaming: "AAAAAAAAAAAAH! I've been scraped thin! It hurts. No more!" Meanwhile, your brain is saying "Shut up! You don't know what's good for you!" Of course, your nose may retort that your mind is sick, that's why you need the cocaine, so why should it listen?

Anyway, if you find yourself in this position, I recommend cocaine bubble gum. Get two pieces of heavy-duty bubble gum (ex. Bazooka) and chew it until it gets slightly soft. You will need some of that sugar to get the cocaine down. Take the piece out of your mouth and fold a line or two of cocaine inside. Chew away! Add more cocaine as needed. You may need to change out the gum periodically for sugar content.

By the end of this week, your mouth will be screaming: "AAAAAAAAAAAAH! The jaw hurts! No more!" By then, your nose should have healed up enough to return to regular administration.

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