August 20, 2002 - 4:40 a.m.

Fighting Your Psych

 Fighting Your Psych

I called my therapist today because I was in so much mental physical pain. There was nothing I could do to get rid of the pain for more than - say - a half an hour. And, can you believe we got into a fight? She told me that if I didn't tell my psychiatrist that I took drugs and drank, she would have to refer me to another therapist. Whatever happened to: "I won't let you down," "You are too talented and bright for me to not to help you," "I won't leave you," "Don't worry, we'll get through this together" crap?

She said I was a liability to her. If I did something to harm myself (oops, too late for that, shhhhh!) that she could be held liable. What if I didn't tell my psychiatrist? So, I guess she doesn't mind making another peer a liability.

I vowed never to tell a doctor that I have and will do drugs. Plus, I have learned from my brother that in the end, you will get shit on. Before he developed osteoporosis and arthritis and before it wasn't obvious that he was a heroin addict, he made the mistake of telling some doctor. Now that he is in tremendous pain, it took him forever to find someone to prescribe him pain meds. That is part of the reason (not entirely of course), that he went back to the heroin.

My therapist said that she talked to my psych and "hypothetically" asked him if he would put it in my charts. He said no, of course not if I didn't want him to. How would I know what goes in these charts? I think he would document it so HE wouldn't become a liability either.

I feel abandoned. These new drugs that my dr. said were the "heavy hitters" of drugs for patients who don't respond to other meds, aren't doing a damn thing. I just don't respond to drugs. I told David that I guess I'm going to have to figure this thing out on my own. After a long conversation, David suggested that maybe my fulfillment in life shouldn't come from my career. I should make money and find fulfillment elsewhere - like Dalmatian rescue. Hmmm, a hint I don't bring in enough money?

Well, kids, I'm on my own - to try to figure out my own psyche without resorting to drugs or alcohol. Drugs are supposed to be fun, not something to kill the pain.


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