2001-11-29 - 11:36 p.m.

I have become my father. I have. It's not often that a daughter achieves this status. Ususally she becomes her mother. Now, that my father is dead, I have replaced him in this family construct, rather than emulating my mother.

Unfortunately, this was pointed out to be by my husband.

My mother can only help my brother is she has someone against her. She feels guilty that she brought up such a sick, dependent child whose height was stunted due to the drugs he took when a child. (He, of course, reminds her of this all the time.)

Is that martyrdom enough for one person? NO! She must feel righteous because there is opposition. Charity is not alms unless the world is against its subject. Or, it wouldn't be charity.

My mother knows this, but lies to me like she lied to my father.

"He hasn't eaten in days and has slept for days without washing."

[read: heroin]

"I know he's straight now, he says he wants a new life."

[read: give me money]

"He says he can't get anywhere. To take free handicap transportation, he has to walk so far, and he's just not able."

[What's the purpose of handicap transportation if you have to walk a mile to get picked up?

read: buy me a car.]

"You're right, he can't give directions while we're driving in the car. You have no idea."

[Yes! I have an idea. I told you all about it, remember?

read: drugs]

"I haven't eaten since 6 AM. Stephen didn't want to eat lunc so we skipped it."

[My mother and her friend are in their 60s. They need a break and food.

read: My brother is a controlling bastard.]

"I'm doing what I can do. I think he'll be better this time."

The sad thing is, I've been conned by him only twice. She's been conned by him for 10 years.

It's not that I don't have sympathy for him. I want him to be healthy and kick the heroin. I'm not even against drugs, as long as it doesn't ruin your life. It just GALLS me that my mother is having roughly the same experience I had, but chooses to interperet differently.

Oh, yes, he took a shower after they came (he hadn't showered in days). He hasn't started cursing at them yet. I know he can play it straight for about 4 days. I've seen him do it. But, I feel that all of a sudden, I've been cast as the bitter daughter. The one who couldn't get him straight, or even to CT. I almost wish he would crack before they leave. I wish I could convince my mother that he needs more help than a carpet cleaning and a new car. I used to like him once. Maybe I still do.

I have advanced in life - only to become the new opposition. I am my father. Damn! I said I would never be like my parents!!

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