May 16, 2002 - 4:21 p.m.

WARNING: The Red Queen Is Chopping!


WARNING: This is an irrational rant. Some people - and you know who you are - will be hurt by what will be said. I urge you to turn back now.

If you are anything like me, you haven't turned back because the above warning has only made you all the more CURIOUS! Oh, well. I am in my new personality (thanks to my current medication, TOPAMAX) called the "RED QUEEN" and I am about to call for some CHOPPING of heads.

I have just returned from my "EMERGENCY" visit from my Psych because yesterday I had a very strong IMPULSIVE urge to DRINK the paint REMOVER because the plastic JUG resembled a maple syrup bottle. Now, what makes this even  more PERVERSE is that I absolutely HATE and despise MAPLE SYRUP. It wasn't like I was thinking YUM! Hershey's CHOCOLATE syrup. It wasn't a suicidal thought. I had other urges throughout the day like cutting myself - again, not suicidal. So, naturally, I became CONCERNED. If my BRAIN was telling me to do these things today, it might urge me even STRONGER tomorrow. An emergency visit was QUICKLY arranged. For SQUAT.

We cut back on my dosage. We can't increase it until the SIDE EFFECTS (flu symptoms, achy pains, lack of concentration, inability to follow through on thoughts, slurred speech, dizziness, slow movements, FRANKENSTEIN walking, etc.).  For how long? NO ONE KNOWS. 1 month? 2? 5? And all of this on top of my severe DEPRESSION that has manifested itself into PHYSICAL PAIN. The (HOPEFULLY) good effects will come when all side effects have subsided. What will that be? 100 mg? 200 mg? 500 mg? (Right now I am on 50 mg.) NO ONE KNOWS. He can do nothing for me.

The magical TRINITY here knows that the COMBINATION of illegal STIMULANTS along with LEGAL medication has helped me to get by for the past 2 months. With the added medicinal side effects, I have FALLEN DEEPER. We also know that within 2 months, 2 of us are packing up and moving to the lovely and beautiful city of BATON ROUGE. (Did I mention away from all of my friends and support?) We have discussed my not doing Ebay for the next 2 months since it seems I can't get a damned thing uploaded without the extra help. But, "we can't afford it." However, we can afford to go out to eat whenever they want. Or out to drink. But, the extra help is too EXPENSIVE. All for a PRECIOUS law degree that can't wait a year for me to get STABLE. I was getting BETTER until that little TWIST in our lives changed. I am going to have to ask my mother for money again since I won't be making money on Ebay. I am 36-years-old. How EMBARRASSING.

Wouldn't it be better to spend some of our money now and not pay all the tuition up front so I can be productive, bring in money and pack the apartment up? Arrange a yard sale? Get the apartment in shape for our landlord to show so we can get our deposit back? I organized our entire move from Richmond to New Orleans. How am I going to do this? I couldn't even MATCH my SOCKS this morning? "We'll get by?" "How?" "Just like we always have been doing." Hmmm. Didn't a little bit of "stuff" help us out? For Christ's sake, there are dishes everywhere, clean clothes in 3 baskets, dirty clothes on the floor, dog and cat hair everywhere. I NEVER lived like this. Help me out here.











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