WARNING:
This is an
irrational
rant. Some
people - and
you know who
you are -
will be hurt
by what will
be said. I
urge you to
turn back
now.
If
you are
anything
like me, you
haven't
turned back
because the
above
warning has
only made
you all the
more CURIOUS!
Oh, well. I
am in my new
personality
(thanks to
my current
medication, TOPAMAX)
called the
"RED
QUEEN"
and I am
about to
call for
some CHOPPING
of heads.
I
have just
returned
from my
"EMERGENCY"
visit from
my Psych
because
yesterday I
had a very
strong IMPULSIVE
urge to DRINK
the paint REMOVER
because the
plastic JUG
resembled a
maple syrup
bottle. Now,
what makes
this
even
more PERVERSE
is that I
absolutely HATE
and despise
MAPLE SYRUP.
It
wasn't like
I was
thinking
YUM!
Hershey's CHOCOLATE
syrup. It
wasn't a
suicidal
thought. I
had other
urges
throughout
the day like
cutting
myself -
again, not
suicidal.
So,
naturally, I
became CONCERNED.
If my BRAIN
was telling
me to do
these things
today, it
might urge
me even STRONGER
tomorrow. An
emergency
visit was QUICKLY
arranged.
For SQUAT.
We
cut back on
my dosage.
We can't
increase it
until the SIDE
EFFECTS
(flu
symptoms, achy
pains, lack
of
concentration,
inability to
follow
through on
thoughts,
slurred
speech,
dizziness,
slow
movements, FRANKENSTEIN
walking,
etc.).
For how
long? NO
ONE KNOWS.
1 month? 2?
5? And all
of this on
top of my
severe DEPRESSION
that has
manifested
itself into PHYSICAL
PAIN.
The (HOPEFULLY)
good effects
will come
when all
side effects
have
subsided.
What will
that be? 100
mg? 200 mg?
500 mg?
(Right now I
am on 50
mg.) NO
ONE KNOWS.
He can do
nothing for
me.
The
magical TRINITY
here knows
that the COMBINATION
of illegal STIMULANTS
along with
LEGAL
medication
has helped
me to get by
for the past
2 months.
With the
added
medicinal
side
effects, I
have FALLEN
DEEPER.
We also know
that within
2 months, 2
of us are
packing up
and moving
to the
lovely and
beautiful
city of BATON
ROUGE.
(Did I
mention away
from all of
my friends
and
support?) We
have
discussed my
not doing
Ebay for the
next 2
months since
it seems I
can't get a
damned thing
uploaded
without the
extra help.
But,
"we
can't afford
it."
However, we
can afford
to go out to
eat whenever
they want.
Or out to
drink. But,
the extra
help is too EXPENSIVE.
All for a PRECIOUS
law degree
that can't
wait a year
for me to
get STABLE.
I was
getting BETTER
until that
little TWIST
in our lives
changed. I
am going to
have to ask
my mother
for money
again since
I won't be
making money
on Ebay. I
am
36-years-old.
How EMBARRASSING.
Wouldn't
it be better
to spend
some of our
money now
and not pay
all the
tuition up
front so I
can be
productive,
bring in
money and
pack the
apartment
up? Arrange
a yard sale?
Get the
apartment in
shape for
our landlord
to show so
we can get
our deposit
back? I
organized
our entire
move from
Richmond to
New Orleans.
How am I
going to do
this? I
couldn't
even MATCH
my SOCKS
this
morning?
"We'll
get
by?"
"How?"
"Just
like we
always have
been
doing."
Hmmm. Didn't
a little bit
of
"stuff"
help us out?
For
Christ's
sake, there
are dishes
everywhere,
clean
clothes in 3
baskets,
dirty
clothes on
the floor,
dog and cat
hair
everywhere.
I NEVER
lived like
this. Help
me out here.
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