June 17, 2002 - 10:29 a.m.
I just want to make it perfectly clear to everybody that the drug I am taking only amplifies my feelings - it is not creating these feelings. Anger, hate, frustration, impotency - these are all real.
Moving to Baton Rouge is wrong - at least for right now. You chose the wrong time to change our lives. I was getting better, and then you turned it around. There was nothing I could say or do to change your mind.
I have slid deeper and deeper into depression. You are taking me away from my comfortable surroundings, my friends, and my lover. We don't even know if the car is fit for me to travel back here on weekends as originally promised.
You, yourself have said you think I will get worse. You say I can't look beyond myself - that I am selfish and can't see how others are trying to help me. Well, sir, you should look beyond yourself. What will 3 years do to me if I can't get better? How will a law degree fix that?
As the date approaches, my anger increases. I see nothing in it for me. You don't even hold a carrot in front of my face. I say that I'm afraid of me being alone, you say you are, too. But, who is the one alone?
You yell at me now because you say you cannot take my anger any longer. But, who is justified in the anger?
You have changed my life so that my goals are now yours. My duty is to get through the 3 years. You know me better than that. I am not someone else's goal keeper.
So, do not chastice me when you find me hurdled in the corner, or counting change to find enough to buy cocaine. You have never been here and you never will. You have put me in a 3-year-prison sentence. I guess it is only fair, since I will be doing the same right back at you.